Are some people meant to be alone? Wolves move in pacts but there’s the lone wolf for a reason. I think that’s me. I feel intensely. I want to be so intertwined with another- yet the closeness I long for is something only I could feel. If there’s another part to me, that person and I have to be one together. If it’s anything less I can’t do it. But the oneness, that unity I desire is something only I can fulfill. I know it. It hurts me so deeply because I love I’m a fucking lover but how can I show that love? That love is so deep and so pure why is it so hard for me to reach and give to the people i fucking LOVE most?

I don’t always want to die. In fact, I wanna stay alive more than i want to die. But the thought of ending it all is enticing

My words are jumbled my thoughts are scattered. One moment I’m spratically hopeful, the next I’m looking for ways to end everything. I’m strong, but I’m not. it is so painful when your emotions are foreign to yourself. Why has it been this way? One moment everything is in my control. Next thing I know I feel like I’m losing my mind. I don’t believe in myself. I know my potential but the life I’ve led to this point is just so ass backwards. I’m empty to myself. Don’t try to reach out 

16 and an early ass smoker. It was the summer before I turned 17. I smoked the first cigarette that started my whole cigarette smoking phase and the night I had no nicotine whatsoever, I knew I was fucked. I was restless for a drag. I reached out to any 18 year old I could think of. I messaged Jake, my good friends beloved fuck buddy. I swear every girl he’s encountered falls madly in love with him. Hoooow. He was a charming guy, I’ll admit. I could see right through the prick. Nothing about his artificial ass sparked my attention. Nah. But he was 18 and 5 minutes away. I snuck out, stole my moms car, and went to pick him up. He convinced me to let him drive because me doing so was illegal and it made sense. A friend was with him it was all cool. Something about this guy just irks me though. Will never be able to put a finger on why. Anyways, he’s driving, he pulls over, pulls out a bottle and starts drinking. I’m like, tf? He wouldn’t let me drive. Of course, I didnt stand up for myself. I’m pretty fucking bad at that. He buys the pack and we smoke some cigarettes. Woo. I do not like this guy. Annoying and so fucking phony. Too charming. He thinks he’s the shit. Anyways, we leave the gas station and pull up to an empty red lobster parking lot. Ugh. His friend won’t stop asking for a cigarette. One after the other. Aren’t you fucking sick? How are you not throwing up? His friend takes yet another cigarette, lights it, then steps out of the car. I know exactly what the fucks going on. My shy ass sits. And sits. And sits. And the seconds begin to drag into decades. His friend takes a walk and I’m sitting with this guy I just know is dying to touch me. Fuck. He says I owe him a kiss. For fucking what? Please. I tell him to fuck off a few times before realizing there is no way I’ll be able to get him out of the drivers seat and listen to to me. Fuck. I kiss him. Not a bad kisser but how many girls has he kissed? I’d be surprised if he did suck at kissing. I’m internally throwing up. I wanna roll my eyes so hard they pop out. We fondle each other. No details needed it happened and it was awful. He didn’t finish and I wasn’t near it. I gave his dick a good 4 weak ass pumps before saying I need to fucking go home (and cry but I ain’t say all that) He didn’t refuse. My dick sucking game at the time wasn’t good and if I ain’t into it, I ain’t putting the effort. So yes, I sucked his dick but it was the worst head I prolly ever gave to anyone in history. And he knew it. Monotone as fuck. What was he expecting? Me to passionately slob his shit white? He knew I was hating every single moment of this. I dropped him and his friend off and wanted to cry the whole way home. I just felt empty. I smoke another cigarette but feel nothing. I snuck out for this. I stole my moms car and risked my life for this. How could I be so awful? I wanted to throw the pack out the window. Nothing, absolutely nothing sounded better than crawling in bed and falling into a coma

xadprince2002: